Monday, November 30, 2009

Putting the Juice Before the Caboose

I am dating a guy who is a top. However, he ejaculates very quickly. I'm wondering is there anything that I can do to help him not ejaculate so quickly?

Premature ejaculation or coming too soon is one of the most common sexual dysfunctions. There are a few treatments or tricks that your partner may be able to try out so that he can go stronger longer.

Wanna Talk About It?
Counseling or talk therapy can help either with your partner or with a therapist. During sessions you can talk about anxiety or stressors that may be affecting your performance.

Jerk it to Work It
Sometimes it is recommended to masturbate and ejaculate and hour or two before having sex. This could delay the ejaculation the next time you have sex and last a bit longer.

Squeeze It
The squeeze technique is a popular method for delaying ejaculation. You can practice this with masturbation or mutual masturbation.
Step 1. Begin sexual stimulation until you feel as if you are going to ejaculate.
Step 2. You or your partner should squeeze the end of the penis (the point where the head (glans) joins the shaft) Keep squeezing until you don't feel like you have to ejaculate anymore.
Step 3. After you stop squeezing wait for about 30 seconds then go back to sexual stimulation. You may notice that the penis starts to loose an erection but it will regain erection with stimulation.
Step 4. When you feel like you are about to ejaculate squeeze again and repeat as necessary.

Rub this on it
Climaz control creams or topical anesthetic creams containing lidocaine or prilocaine can dull the sensation and delay ejaculation. You apply it before intercourse and then wipe the cream off completely before sex. Be careful if these are oil based because they can cause a condom to break. Also if you plan on oral sex it can taste bad and numb the throat.

Wrap it up
Certain types of condoms that use climax control lubricants can be used to delay ejaculation. Trojan Extended Pleasure Condoms is just one example.

Remember sex is not just penetration. If you want more pleasure try extending foreplay and enjoy oral sex. You can always throw some sex toys into the mix too.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Suck at sucking?

I just started seeing this guy and he doesn't seem too enthused with my oral sex techniques. What can I do to wow him?

Oral sex, blow job, BJ, giving head, sucking D... whatever you call it there are skills to fabulous fellatio.
First things first let's talk about attitude. If you go down thinking that it is disgusting they are going to be able to tell. Enjoy it! Enjoy the fact that you are giving them pleasure.

Here are a few tips and pointers to help you out:

No biting: Just remember to slide your lips over your teeth for smooth gliding over the penis. If someone wants a nibble they'll tell you.

Mix it up: Try licking, sucking, stroking, kissing...mix it up. Don't be boring and just bob your head up and down. Try licking around the head of the penis or the frenulum (this is located on the underside of the penis by the head and is very sensitive). Try eye contact every once in a while and smile let them know that you are enjoying yourself. Feel free to moan every once in awhile it can make for some nice vibration. Let your partner know how turned on you are. Don't neglect the rest of the body the stomach, thighs and butt can feel nice too.

Deep throat: Just because porn stars do something doesn't mean that you have to. My recommendation is to always keep a hand at the base of the penis so that you don't take the penis too deep or if he gets excited and thrusts or pulls out the "1000 pound hand" you won't gag. Use your hand as a stopper.

To swallow or not to swallow: If you aren't crazy about cum don't worry you aren't going to hurt anyone's feelings. This is totally up to you. Let them know if you like swallow or not. Don't wait till you have a mouth full to have this conversation.

Multi-task: One of the best ways give a blow job is to use your hands and mouth. Place a hand at the base of the penis stroke the shaft while using your mouth. Some guys like their testicles played with some like their perineum (taint) stroked or anal play... but this brings me to the "C" word again communication.

Communicate: Don't just assume that all men are created equal or all men like the same thing. Don't just start playing with their taint and assume they like it. Communicate ask them if they like what you are doing, if they want more. If they can't speak because they are in ecstasy then take that as a yes.

Side note: If your partner is wearing a strap on a dildo treat it like it is an extension of their body and enjoy.

As always remember sex is fun and enjoy yourself.

The Art of Blow Job

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Make it Spicy, Please.....

So I have been dating this guy for a decent amount of time and we've typically had a good sexual relationship, but it seems like within the last month things sexually have gone downhill. We don't have sex as often as my sex drive would like to, and I feel like when we do, it's the same thing, just a different day. Don't get me wrong, it's good when we have sex, but I am wondering some good tips on how to spice things up a bit and make it even better?!

As discussed in a previous blog, My Sex Drive Is Like Woah I discussed the importance of communication. This is the same deal here...the most important thing in any relationship is an open line of communication. How is anyone supposed to know what you want if you never discuss it? Now do I mean straight up asking.. well yeah in some cases. In other cases you can show your partner what you want.

Some examples:
-You are your partner are getting it on and you wish that they would play with your boobs. Take their hands and place them on your boobs. Remember you can put their hands wherever you want them to go.
-You want some more foreplay action but they aren't getting the hint. Offer up a 69 option so that you both can keep going.
-If they aren't getting how you like things show them yourself. Show them how you play with yourself... what you do to make you feel good. It feels good for you and it gives them subtle pointers.

Role play: You can always spice it up with a little role play too. You don't need to build your own dungeon in the basement you can just add little things. Try wearing a cowboy hat while on top or go all out and wear a full costume, whatever your comfort level is. This also opens up a conversation about what your fantasies are. It could be an interesting conversation. And remember if you don't want to know...don't ask. Can you handle if they have a circus fantasy?

Gadgets and Gizmos Galore: Try using a vibrator or any other number of sex toys there are. Remember baby steps don't just whip out a giant dildo without asking. Show your partner how you use your toys when they are not around and incorporate it that way.

Private Dancer: We respond to sex through visuals ask your partner to do a strip tease for you and you can reciprocate. Show off your sexiest moves.

Who's In Control: Does your partner always initiate or vise versa? Why not try switching roles. Have the other person take the reigns for the night. They might really enjoy being in control or giving up the control they usually have.

Remember sex is supposed to be fun. Mix it up a bit and enjoy!

Monday, November 23, 2009

6 inches in, 10 feet back!

There are times when my boyfriend and I are having sex and upon thrusting into me his penis hits something inside of me that is so painful it makes me jump 10 feet. It does not happen all of the time but when it does it is during the deep thrusting positions you mentioned in your earlier column. My boyfriend is not a "large" man but would be considered average by most standards, including my own. This has happened with previous lovers as well. Can you explain to me why this is happening and what it is that is being hit causing this pain/discomfort?

There are many reasons for pain during sex: infection, vaginal tightness, etc... but it sounds like you may have a "tipped uterus." I am not a medical doctor and in no way diagnosing you, but this is just what it sounds like to me.

So what is a tipped uterus? No, it is not a ride at the carnival!

The uterus, also called the womb is pear shaped and where a baby grows when a woman is pregnant. The uterus is usually straight up and down but some women have a tilted uterus, where it is not straight up and down. Tilted uterus is also sometimes called retroverted uterus or tipped uterus.

Some women don't experience any symptoms but some can experience pain during sex (dyspareunia) and/or pain during menstruation (dysmenorrhea). Some women may also experience back pain during penetration.

I would however recommend some different positions that aren't deep thrusting. Here is another chance to get creative.

Cowgirl's Helper: Squat on top raising and lowering yourself with your thighs. This way you have control the depth of penetration. Have her squat on top, raising and lowering herself with her thighs. Cowgirl hat and boots are optional.

Reverse Missionary (woman on top): Also, referred to as reverse cowgirl. Rest on your knees and sit on top raising and lowering yourself. Again you will have control of the depth of penetration.

Woman on top leaning back: From this position you can lean all the way back until your back is resting on his legs. This will control the depth as well as give him access to your clitoris. You can also reverse this and face away from him and then lean back till your back rests on his chest this will give access to play with your boobs as well as clitoris.

Remember any position that you are in if you pull your legs closer and tighter together this will also help you control the depth of penetration. Also, it might be fun to take control and be on top you may just like it!

Friday, November 20, 2009

Blue Labs?

Can girls get blue balls?

In a word, YES! but please let me explain.

In a man blue balls is the aching that you feel in your testicles when you initiate sexual activity but don't orgasm. Let's take a look at the sexual response cycle. Come one everyone think back to high school health class what are the stages? Arousal/Excitement, Plateau, Orgasm, & Resolution. In Arousal/Excitement blood flow increases to the genitals and causes the genitals to be engorged and enlarge (i.e. erection). When and if the man reaches orgasm and ejaculates the body returns to a pre-aroused state during Resolution.

Men aren't the only ones experiencing blue balls... women follow through the sexual response cycle too. Their genitals also become engorged with blood during sexual arousal and, if they don't orgasm they too can experience genital aching. I guess we could call it Blue Labs or Blue Vag... your choice.

This aching does not usually last long and the pain associated with it is usually mild. The pain of blue balls tends to get exaggerated by some people (i.e. men). Most people have been trained to think that every sexual endeavor should always end in orgasm. I believe that the pain with blue balls or blue labs is often coupled with frustration and disappointment so it adds to the aching.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Are you a Barsexual??

So a lot of attention has been given to barsexuals lately. What is barsexual you may ask? Well Urban Dictionary describes a barsexual as "A heterosexual girl or woman who partakes in any sort of sexual or promiscuous activity with another female to get attention from males. This usually takes the form of making out, and to a lesser extent, grinding or dry humping with another female."

I have to be devil's advocate here and just ask if everyone would be as cool with this if it was men kissing men to get women's attention?

Don't get me wrong I'm all about people expressing their sexuality however they want. If someone wants to makeout with 30 girls I don't care. There was a segment on the Today show about barsexuals (this made me giggle hearing Meredith Vierra say the term) and how it is detrimental to women. Ummm.... okay how is this detrimental again?

There is another term in Urban Dictionary that is used LUG... which is a lesbian until graduation. I say why does it have to stop at graduation? why can you only makeout in places that charge a cover? If it the thrill of having people watch you (exhibitionist) then okay I get it but if you feel that it is the only time that it is acceptable then maybe you should explore leaving the bar.

Let me share a little story with you. There were some friends would go and make out at bars all the time which was acceptable. One night they went home and continued the makeout session... this was unacceptable with the friends because now they were "hooking up." This somehow crossed some sort of line. Why can't they go home and makeout and continue the fun? I think people are so worried about having labels placed on them that they are afraid to explore their own sexuality.

So what is the take away message... Go makeout with whoever you want and don't worry about what others think or what that makes you. Sing it with me....

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Fake it till you make it!

My boyfriend is a bit small in the package area. I guess I am used to having guys with a bit more substance which has always been quite pleasurable. Because I am used to that, having sex does not make me orgasm. Is there any suggesions or positions that might help us out so I can stop faking it??

First of all I must start out with a cliche... "it's not the size of the boat it's the motion in the ocean". If you are used to sex with larger packaged men then you are probably used to coital orgasms or orgasms with just penetration. Well let me offer you a little secret women can have all kinds of orgasms. Saying that there is only one kind of orgasm is like saying the world is flat!

Not all orgasms are created equal. Not all orgasms are the porno earth shattering screaming ones. Some people have very shallow or weak orgasms and some women have no orgasms at all. Some women can even fantasize themselves to orgasm with no one else involved. but I digress....

If your man is smaller then you are used to there are a few suggestions that I can offer to liven up the sack session. If you aren't orgasming from penetration alone try clitoral stimulation with penetration either by you, your man, or a vibrator. The best positions for this are doggy style, side by side, and woman on top for easy access.

The best positions for deep thrusting and G-spot stimulation are rear entry sexual positions that allow the penis to stimulate the G-Spot. Such as, doggy style, spooning/side by side, spread eagle, missionary and furniture:
Spooning or side by side: This will give your man easy access to the breasts and clitoris for added stimulation.
Spread Eagle: is a position that has the woman lying face down with her legs spread if you add a pillow under your hips to raise you up a bit off the bed.
Missionary: The good ol' missionary position can also be used for deep penetration just raise your legs and rest your calves on your man's shoulders. The more you raise your legs the deeper he will be able to penetrate you.
Furniture: Still feeling frisky why not bring some props into the mix. Grab a piece of sturdy furniture or counter top and sit or lay near the edge. Feeling adventurous sit on the washer or dryer and turn it on for some good vibrations (the furniture needs to be waist high for the man whether he is kneeling or standing... that way the penis can actually reach you). He or you can hold your legs apart allowing for deep penetration. As an added bonus this is a good location to be for oral sex for you.

Just keep in mind that not all women will enjoy deep penetration, but those that do WATCH OUT! Deep penetration does require adequate lubrication so foreplay is a must... remember that the furniture puts you in a good spot ;) Mix it up, if you go into a situation thinking that you aren't going to orgasm you probably won't. Remember the wise words of hockey star Wayne Gretzky "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take." So how does that apply... I guess shoot for the back of the net (vagina) and play with the puck (clitoris) a bit.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

She has Herpes...


So, a few months back, I dated someone a bit. When things started to get a bit more physical / romantic... but before things got more serious, this someone brought it up with me that she was 'given' herpes by her ex. She had said that the herpes had not been 'active' for some time, but she mindfully brought it up regardless. The relationship never got tot he point where this was a concern, but if it did get to that point, what should be the worry / concern. Protection? With it being not 'active', does that make a difference?


Well first off I have a few questions:
1. What type of Herpes does she have? Herpes Simplex 1 (HSV1) or Herpes Simplex 2 (HSV2)?
2. Is she taking an antiviral medication like Valtrex?

Secondly let me just say that nationwide, at least 45 million people 12 years and older have genital herpes. So you aren't "dirty" if you have herpes.

It depends on what type of Herpes that she has. HSV1 is very common, this is what cold sores are. People can have an outbreak of HSV1 when they are under stress or are sick from another infection. HSV1 can however be transmitted from the mouth to the genitals via oral sex. HSV1 is usually mild, especially when it infects the lips, face, or genitals, but can worsen and spread to other areas of the body. When HSV1 is on the genital you may have an outbreak and then it usually goes away with treatment. This is not the case with HSV2.

HSV2, more commonly known as genital herpes is often spread from partner to partner without even knowing. Even if you are not showing any signs of sores you can still transmit herpes thought "viral shedding." This means that you may not be showing any signs or symptoms but can still pass on the virus to your partner. Once you have HSV2 you will always have it. You may never show symptoms but you could still pass it on to someone else.

Well, that scares the crap out of me what can I do?

Unfortunately, herpes is a frustrating infection. Basically, if one partner has genital herpes, the other partner is at risk of contracting herpes, whether or not sores are present. This is true whether you're having oral, vaginal, or anal sex. It's up to you and your partner to decide what level of risk you are comfortable with. When sores are visible, the risk of transmission through sex and skin-to-skin contact (around the area with sores) is highest. When there are no sores visible you are still at risk because of viral shedding.

Well I'll be safe if I just wrap it up with a condom right?

Herpes can occur on parts of the body that aren't covered by a condom, like the thighs and butt. Don't forget about viral shedding... it occurs a few days per year at the most; but since it's not possible to pinpoint the "shedding" days, it makes it hard to know when.

You can get herpes during vaginal, anal, and oral sex, even if you're using a condom. Using a condom or dental dam for oral sex is still safer than nothing at all but there is still a chance.

Can't they take that pill Valtrex that I see on TV?

Herpes medications can help reduce the frequency of outbreaks and help reduce the number of viral shedding days throughout the year. However even if you do everything correctly there is still a 10% chance that you can give Herpes to your partner.

So does this mean I have to dump the person I am seeing?

If the person with herpes is someone with whom you would like to, or plan to, have a long-term partnership, then you may be more willing to take and accept risk. If you're not sure, you may choose to practice safer sex or just avoid certain types of contact.

The National Herpes Hotline (919) 361.8488
This hotline provides accurate information and appropriate referrals to anyone concerned about herpes. Health specialists can address questions related to transmission, prevention and treatment of herpes. The hotline also provides support for emotional issues surrounding herpes such as self-esteem and partner communication. The hotline is open from 9:00am to 7:00pm Monday through Friday.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sex drive is like woah!

Dear DeDe, My sex drive is like woah and I'm always jumping my man. How do I talk to him about this? Is this normal?

Sexual function and desire is individually defined. It is different for everyone. There is no "normal" range it is determined by your level of satisfaction. Sexual desire can change day to day, week to week, month to month, etc... Also keep in mind that it also varies from person to person. What you need to work on is a compromise for what works best for you as a couple.

So what does that all mean? Well, it means that your man might want to get it on once or twice a week and be completely satisfied but you might want it once or twice an hour and be completely unsatisfied with his once or twice a week nonsense! Okay now that we are in agreement that the need for sex varies.... there is however no agreement about what constitutes a low or high sex drive. I can see that this can cause tension in a relationship where one person wants one thing and the other wants something different.

First things first we need to dispel some myths:
1. ALL guys want it all the time non stop.
2. Girls who want it are sluts or something is wrong with them.

The most important thing in any relationship is an open line of communication. How is he supposed to know you want more if you never discuss it? Use open ended questions so that he can express his feelings beyond a yes or no questions. For example, "What do you think about...?", "How do you feel about...?".

Make sure that you express your needs and wants from a personal perspective rather than telling your man what to do. For example, "I would like us to have sex more often" rather than "You need to have sex with me more." This will open up communication in a positive and non judgmental way. Try and avoid "Why" questions because they can be seen as criticisms as well. "Why don't we have sex more often?" Doesn't come off as well as "I really enjoy when we have sex, we should definitely do it more often."

I can't stress enough that unless you communicate no one is going to know what is going on. Have a chat you may be surprised at the outcome.

And if all else fails maybe you can hang out with this guy!

Friday, November 13, 2009

All the single ladies...

I am a single lady and lately I have had some "needs" that I wanted to be met. I met a guy and as two consensual adults, we have decided to have SAFE sex with no strings attached. I have shared this "news" with my married friends and they have told me I am a total slut. I am not sure why they are being so judgemental, as they are so out of touch with the "single life" and they don't even try to understand the needs of a single woman. Any advice????

First of all I would like to commend you for practicing safe sex. My question to you is what do you constitute as safe sex? Are you using a condom and dental dams for oral sex? If not then you are opening yourself up to sexually transmitted infections (STI's). Just remember that even though a person seems nice and seems "clean," people can be asymptomatic which means that they can have no signs of an STI and can pass along an STI without even knowing that they have it.

Now that I'm done with the safe sex part let's address your friends... who cares what they think? It is really easy for people to pass judgement on others. How long have they been married? Are they happy? Perhaps they wish they could get in on the single life again. Sex is fun and exciting! If they are going to judge you then don't tell them about it, share the news with friends that you know wouldn't judge you.

Just a word of caution to the no strings attached lovin'... as friends with benefits or bed buddies just be careful that this is benefiting both parties and not just you. It is hard for some people to separate emotional feelings from sex. It really depends on your attitude towards sex. If sex is something that always means love and commitment to you, it's probably not going to work for you to engage in no string attached sex. If sex is a casual thing to you, then I think it's possible that you can get together and not get emotionally involved.

Make sure that you talk openly about your expectations and concerns. If you can't do this then you probably aren't comfortable to get naked with them. Don't assume that someone feels the same way that you do, make sure you say it out loud. Also, be aware that feelings change, and check things out periodically with yourself and your partner.

It's not all doom and gloom if you feel that you can handle it and you are practicing safe sex then go for, go buck wild, HAVE FUN!

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Queef Relief

What is a queef and how can I stop it, especially with doggy style?

Queefs or sometimes called varts (vaginal farts) are very common for many women during sex. It occurs because the penis or sex toy is pumping air into the vagina during sex. The air that get pushed up in the vagina needs to escape somewhere and it escapes audibly with a sound that appears to be a fart. A queef is NOT a fart it is just air escaping that was pushed in. Queefs are more common with doggy style due to the angle of penetration. They are also more common if you switch positions a lot, pulling out and entering over again pushes air into the vagina. This doesn't mean that anything is wrong with you, or that you are under just happens.

Sorry to say that there is no real way to prevent queefing. If one position seems to be causing you queefs and you don't like it then you can try something new. There are hundreds of position variations, go shop around and find some good ones. You can also try shallower or slower thrusting. Most importantly laugh about it. Queefing is a by product of good sex!

"You are a woman and you are free to queef"

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Woah Dream Big!

So Christmas is approaching....ugh I know I am broke too. But along with Christmas comes amazing Christmas toy commercials. Besides the quintessential Toys R Us "I don't wanna grow up I'm a toys r us kid..." I saw a commercial that was a "playhouse" for girls. This wasn't just a normal house though it was a special house it folded open into the most glorious parts of a house. It is a female's dream ...a kitchen, a nursery and a washing machine... woohooo I know that has always been my dream, to fold, fluff and cook. The line in the song of the commercial actually says "taking care of my home is a dream, dream dream!" Woah! Dream big little girls.

This type of marketing to little girls is terrifying. What does the media tell us to dream for? Now don't get me wrong, I respect a woman that chooses to stay at home and be a mother and take care of a home, it is a hard job. It is really harmful to female girls to have toys that show that their dreams should include solely housework. The only thing that could have made this better is if the dream house came with your very own husband to cook and clean for?


Tuesday, November 10, 2009

So I'm a blogger....

Hello all well it's official I am now a blogger. I realized that I have been using my facebook page as a blog.

So what will you get here at my boom boom blog?
Well, thanks for asking. I will post my random thoughts about sexual health and sexuality in general and answer any questions that you might have.

What makes you such an expert?
Besides being the person that people have come to about sex questions since I was 6 years old I am currently pursuing my PhD in Sexual Health at Widener University. I also read through sexual health books, journals and semi-factual magazines voraciously.

How do I send you a question?
Please feel free to send any questions or comments that you might have to I will use questions for future blog postings. All postings will remain anonymous.

Thanks a bunch,